During my recent break from blogging I traveled back to a dark and twisty place. I didn’t physically go anywhere, but rather, I walked back through some pain from years ago that I hadn’t really allowed myself to feel the first time. It felt as fresh as it was back then, only worse, without the coping mechanisms I’d used to numb myself the first go-round.
At the risk of stating the obvious, the conclusion I’ve come to is this: it was pain-full. So painful. It was a time when I felt alone and sad and didn’t know where to take my loneliness and sadness. So I kept it to myself and I bore it alone. And it sucked.
Back then, I eventually worked my way out of it only to cope with life through control and self-management. But it wasn’t until Jesus stepped in and called me to a new place that I began to experience Him in a more powerful way.
As I traveled back in time to that dark place, I found myself asking God, “Where were you? Why didn’t you come for me? Why didn’t you step in?” and He whispered back, “I was waiting in the wings.”
When my heart heard those words I cried even harder. While that’s comforting to know–that he was waiting in the wings–it was hard to hear because it meant I ignored Him. He was there but I didn’t run to him and the loss of what could have been causes me much regret.
Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Psalm 71:3
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